Willow's magic is nerfed, not just due to the times that she has either consciously or not indicated she doesn't want that kind of power any more (sacrificing her own egg, some of the things she's said both at home in Deerington), but due to her own fears around corruption. She's seen what happens when she goes dark, and she knows it's tied to magic. It's a bit of a throwback to early season seven where she experiences anxiety around using spells and admits she doesn't trust the power she has. She pushed through it in Deerington because of the times it came down to do or die, and the knowledge that Deerington was a dream, but she can't manage to do the same thing in the real world that is Trench, especially given the issues revolving around corruption.
Her experiences in November (several encounters with Zealots in the streets, and nearly being bled to death at the Sleeper Farm) are what sets her back on the path of "I need to use magic or either someone I love, or myself, is going to die." This is ultimately what causes her to dive into the "how do I fix this?" aspect of her research rather than "why is it happening?" She doesn't want to die again herself, of course, but she's also outright afraid of what might happen if someone she loves dies based on her history (Dark Willow absolute chaos after Tara died, going dark and Ford's attempted murder after Ozpin died the first time, then regrets over breaking Julia's egg on impulse after Ozpin died the second time). This will play into her willingness to do whatever she has to to find ways to keep the people around her safe, including accepting help from sources she doesn't particularly trust.
Her Wolfwalker status ties into her anxiety around her own darkness too. Thanks to Mebh, she understands why it's happening, and is a little more comfortable with it, but still finds it hard to fully trust it after her experiences in Sunnydale. She shows some signs of accepting that this is part of her life now, but she still doesn't want it, and still considers it a curse (downplaying a little in her conversation with Vyng that it's essentially inconvenient shapeshifting). She still pushes this part of herself away too, just like her separation between herself and 'Dark Willow' which is why corruption initially manifests as insomnia, and progresses to flat out denial that she still is changing when she starts not being able to recall what happens when she's in wolf form once she reaches stage two. It's manifested attempt to detach herself from the aspects of her personality she doesn't like, and isn't comfortable with as well as an attempt to give herself permission to try to start using magic properly again.
Stage three starts pulling into her own fears of what could happen in a worst case scenario. She's not sleeping at this point, so she is not changing into a wolf, but with a complete lack of sleep comes hallucinations, paranoia, impaired judgement/poor decision making, etc. She realizes she was wrong about not changing before, after she begins to hallucinate about harming innocents either as a wolf, or as Dark Willow as the darker aspects of her personality she's been trying to deny start to become more apparent. She might start to think it was a mistake to try to regain her use of magic, but decide she's in too deep and doesn't feel like she can ask for help, especially not from the people who know her history. This will drive her to isolate herself from the people she cares about, both because she's afraid of hurting them, and doesn't want to feel judged by them, or lose their friendship/respect.
Willow originally went dark at home because of her grief and rage over Tara's death. In Deerington, it was a number of factors - complicated grief after Buffy and Giles went home combined with the news that Ozpin had died and not returned as expected, and might not return at all, in addition to the bite of a Deerington creature (floral rat) that caused the victim to go rabid over significant relationships, regardless whether it was platonic or romantic. Coming down from it in both cases meant dealing with the grief over those losses. In Trench, I'm aiming for reversing corruption to come more from Willow accepting who she is as a whole, as opposed to trying to separate herself into Light vs Dark and Sleeper vs Wolf, which will allow her to begin using magic properly again completely, with either blood based magic taking a back seat, or changing entirely from Paleblood to Darkblood.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2022-02-22 02:43 am (UTC)Willow's magic is nerfed, not just due to the times that she has either consciously or not indicated she doesn't want that kind of power any more (sacrificing her own egg, some of the things she's said both at home in Deerington), but due to her own fears around corruption. She's seen what happens when she goes dark, and she knows it's tied to magic. It's a bit of a throwback to early season seven where she experiences anxiety around using spells and admits she doesn't trust the power she has. She pushed through it in Deerington because of the times it came down to do or die, and the knowledge that Deerington was a dream, but she can't manage to do the same thing in the real world that is Trench, especially given the issues revolving around corruption.
Her experiences in November (several encounters with Zealots in the streets, and nearly being bled to death at the Sleeper Farm) are what sets her back on the path of "I need to use magic or either someone I love, or myself, is going to die." This is ultimately what causes her to dive into the "how do I fix this?" aspect of her research rather than "why is it happening?" She doesn't want to die again herself, of course, but she's also outright afraid of what might happen if someone she loves dies based on her history (Dark Willow absolute chaos after Tara died, going dark and Ford's attempted murder after Ozpin died the first time, then regrets over breaking Julia's egg on impulse after Ozpin died the second time). This will play into her willingness to do whatever she has to to find ways to keep the people around her safe, including accepting help from sources she doesn't particularly trust.
Her Wolfwalker status ties into her anxiety around her own darkness too. Thanks to Mebh, she understands why it's happening, and is a little more comfortable with it, but still finds it hard to fully trust it after her experiences in Sunnydale. She shows some signs of accepting that this is part of her life now, but she still doesn't want it, and still considers it a curse (downplaying a little in her conversation with Vyng that it's essentially inconvenient shapeshifting). She still pushes this part of herself away too, just like her separation between herself and 'Dark Willow' which is why corruption initially manifests as insomnia, and progresses to flat out denial that she still is changing when she starts not being able to recall what happens when she's in wolf form once she reaches stage two. It's manifested attempt to detach herself from the aspects of her personality she doesn't like, and isn't comfortable with as well as an attempt to give herself permission to try to start using magic properly again.
Stage three starts pulling into her own fears of what could happen in a worst case scenario. She's not sleeping at this point, so she is not changing into a wolf, but with a complete lack of sleep comes hallucinations, paranoia, impaired judgement/poor decision making, etc. She realizes she was wrong about not changing before, after she begins to hallucinate about harming innocents either as a wolf, or as Dark Willow as the darker aspects of her personality she's been trying to deny start to become more apparent. She might start to think it was a mistake to try to regain her use of magic, but decide she's in too deep and doesn't feel like she can ask for help, especially not from the people who know her history. This will drive her to isolate herself from the people she cares about, both because she's afraid of hurting them, and doesn't want to feel judged by them, or lose their friendship/respect.
Willow originally went dark at home because of her grief and rage over Tara's death. In Deerington, it was a number of factors - complicated grief after Buffy and Giles went home combined with the news that Ozpin had died and not returned as expected, and might not return at all, in addition to the bite of a Deerington creature (floral rat) that caused the victim to go rabid over significant relationships, regardless whether it was platonic or romantic. Coming down from it in both cases meant dealing with the grief over those losses. In Trench, I'm aiming for reversing corruption to come more from Willow accepting who she is as a whole, as opposed to trying to separate herself into Light vs Dark and Sleeper vs Wolf, which will allow her to begin using magic properly again completely, with either blood based magic taking a back seat, or changing entirely from Paleblood to Darkblood.